Getting Old?

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You've finally reached the top of the ladder, only to find that it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is Twenty Years Ago Today.
You turn out the light for economic reasons.
You sit in the rocking chair and you can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
Your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.
You know your a grown-up because you groan every time you get up!
75-year old Sam goes to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave Sam a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, Sam reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and Sam explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then both hands, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your next door neighbor?!"
The old man replied, "Yeah, but no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't get the damn top off the jar!"
Submitted by: Kevin Channell

T H E N	N O W

Killer weed	Weed killer
Paar	AARP
The Grateful Dead	Dr. Kevorkian
Caught with Hustler	Caught by Hustler
Hoping for a BMW	Hoping for a BM
Getting your head stoned	Getting your headstone
Keg	EKG
Passing Driving Test	Passing Vision Test
Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.	Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Swallowing acid	Swallowing antacid
Obsessing over PSATs	Obsessing over PSAs
You're growing pot	Your growing pot
Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor	Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
The perfect high	The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Long hair	Longing for hair
Fighting to get rid of the lying President	Fighting to keep the lying President
President Johnson	The president's johnson
Acid rock	Acid reflux

Submitted by Dr. Brad

Success

At age 4 . . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 60 . .. . success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 . . . success is . .. . having a drivers license.

At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants

Submitted by: Jean Storm

The Perks of being over Fifty

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7) Things you buy now won't wear out.

8) You can live without sex but not without glasses.

9) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

10) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

11) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14) You sing along with the elevator music.

15) Your eyes won't get much worse.

16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20) A thirty year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

21) You won't remember who sent you this list.

Submitted by: Jobelle

THE OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG".

Submitted by: OLY