YOU HAVE AN INVENTIVE MIND AND ARE INCLINED TO BE PROGRESSIVE. YOU LIE A GREAT DEAL. YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES REPEATEDLY BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID. EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE A FUCKING JERK.

YOU HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION AND OFTEN THINK YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY THE F.B.I. OR THE C.I.A. YOU HAVE MINOR INFLUENCE ON YOUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE RESENT YOU FOR FLAUNTING YOUR POWER. YOU LACK CONFIDENCE AND ARE A GENERAL DIPSHIT.

YOU ARE THE PIONEER TYPE AND THINK MOST PEOPLE ARE DICKHEADS. YOU ARE QUICK TEMPERED, IMPATIENT, AND SCORNFUL OF ADVICE. YOU ARE A PRICK.

YOU ARE PRACTICAL AND PERSISTENT. YOU HAVE DOGGED DETERMINATION AND WORK LIKE HELL. MOST PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE STUBBORN AND BULLHEADED. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A GODDAMN COMMUNIST.

YOU ARE A QUICK AND INTELLIGENT THINKER. PEOPLE LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BISEXUAL. YOU ARE INCLINED TO EXPECT TOO MUCH FOR TOO LITTLE. THIS MEANS YOU ARE A CHEAP BASTARD. GEMINIS ARE NOTORIOUS FOR THRIVING ON INSECTS.

YOU ARE SYMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING TO OTHER PEOPLES PROBLEMS WHICH MAKES YOU A SUCKER. YOU ARE ALWAYS PUTTING THINGS OFF. THIS IS WHY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ON WELFARE AND WON'T BE WORTH A SHIT. EVERYBODY IN PRISON IS A CANCER.

YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A BORN LEADER. OTHERS THINK YOU'RE AND IDIOT. MOST LEOS ARE BULLIES. YOU ARE VAIN AND CANNOT TOLERATE HONEST CRITICISM. YOUR ARROGANCE IS DISGUSTING. LEO PEOPLE ARE THIEVING MOTHER-FUCKERS AND SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME KISSING MIRRORS.

YOU ARE A LOGICAL TYPE AND HATE DISORDER. THIS SHIT-PICKING IS SICKENING TO YOUR FRIENDS. YOU ARE COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL AND OFTEN FALL ASLEEP SCREWING. VIRGOS MAKE GOOD BUS DRIVERS AND PIMPS.

YOU ARE THE ARTISTIC TYPE AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME WITH REALITY. IF YOU ARE MALE YOU ARE PROBABLY QUEER. CHANCES FOR EMPLOYMENT AND MONETARY GAIN ARE NIL. MOST LIBRA WOMEN ARE WHORES. ALL LIBRAS DIE OF VENEREAL DISEASE.

THE WORST OF THE LOT. YOU ARE SHREWD IN BUSINESS AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED. YOU SHALL ACHIEVE THE PINNACLE OF SUCCESS BECAUSE OF YOUR TOTAL LACK OF ETHICS. YOU ARE A PERFECT SON- OF -A -BITCH. MOST SCORPIOS ARE MURDERED.

YOU ARE OPTIMISTIC AND ENTHUSIASTIC. YOU HAVE A RECKLESS TENDENCY TO RELY ON LUCK SINCE YOU HAVE NO TALENT. THE MAJORITY OF SAGITTARIANS ARE DRUNKS. NIXON WAS A SAGITTARIAN. YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE TIME OF DAY.

YOU ARE CONSERVATIVE AND AFRAID OF TAKING RISKS. YOU ARE BASICALLY A CHICKENSHIT. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A CAPRICORN OF ANY IMPORTANCE. YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF.

Submitted by: CLARK (clark@kanza.net)

There's travel in the future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those jerks at work say.

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when they find the 40-pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus

You will never find true happiness--what are ya gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow, you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, then go back to sleep.

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatuence. Your love-life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer

To position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test.

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik.

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent--except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you worthless stupid freak.

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back--kill them. Take down those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn

The stars say you are an exciting and wonderful person--but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock the doors and windows and never never never leave my house again.

Even more Horoscopes (from Chris Rock)

Aquarius--your gonna die
Aries--your gonna die
Taurus--your gonna die
Gemini--your gonna die twice
Leo--your gonna die
Virgo--your gonna die
Cancer--your gonna die fuckin
Capricorn--your gonna die
Sagittarius--your gonna die
Scorpio--your gonna die
Pisces--your gonna drown
Libra--your gonna die

Submitted by: Dr_Evil_234 (a.k.a. JET190) - Dr_Evil_234@yahoo.com

---

I think it's only fair to give credit where credit is due, so I think it would be appropriate to note that the entire second set of horoscopes were written by Weird Al Yankovich. It's a song off of his "Running With Scissors" album. Thank you!

Submitted by: Blondie

1996-2006 SearchableJokes.com ~ All Rights Reserved