The Gerbil

The Gerbil
The following is a REAL article that actually appeared in the LA Times, and then a critique by the person who wrote the news story.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Eric, and his partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our Gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon!" my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the Gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Eric suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."

Top ten scariest things about this story:

1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." OUCH!!!

2. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars and stare at the sun.

3. That poor gerbil being shot out that guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of somebody's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey.

5. People like this, walking around the street!

6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.

Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and using a charcoal lighter on me before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well its like this, Doc. See, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

7. First and second degree burns to the anus? Wouldn't this make hemorrhoids a welcome relief? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top ten of horrible scents on the face of this earth.

8. People named Kiki, which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?

Submitted by: Christian Hunold (PREKI 454@aol.com)