First Name:(Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

Last Name: ________________

Age: ____

Sex: M __ F __ N/A__

Shoe Size: Left ____ Right ____

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If unsure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Truck ___
Bedroom ___
Bathroom ___
Kitchen ___
Shed ___
Outhouse ___
Pant leg ___
Boot ___

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No If NO, please explain:




Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquire
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO ___
Number of times you've seen Elvis ___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO ___

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)N/A

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)Don't know

Submitted by: Craig Champagne

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Arkansas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Arkansas. If you have one of the Arkansas editions you may need some assistance in understanding the commands.

The Arkansas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "WINDERS 98" with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is also shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note that:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse;

My Computer is called this Infernal Contraption;

Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys;

Control Panel is known as The Dern Dashboard;

Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive;

Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an error message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = heck no

reset = awww shoot

yes = shore

no = Naaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

back = back yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done

Also, note that "Winders 98" does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Billy Bob Gates

Submitted by: Plutonium

In a small Alabama town near Birmingham there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered the visitor from Ohio. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the Columbusite left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, the Ohioan asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" She was assured that Northerners did read the Bible, but the out-of-stater simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the Ohioan's face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar."

Submitted by: RHC, Esquire

ALABAMA EMERGENCY ROOM IDIOTS

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency Room right away.

ALABAMA HIGHWAY IDIOTS

I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.

ALABAMA NEIGHBORHOOD IDIOTS

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request removal of the Deer crossing sign on our road. The reason? Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there!

ALABAMA COMPUTER IDIOTS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

ALABAMA AIRBASE AIRBORNE IDIOTS

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

ALABAMA DEPARTMENT STORE IDIOTS

I worked for a while at a K-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of K-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages; e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs Assistance."

Submitted by: Jobelle

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in South Carolina), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The South Carolinian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from South Carolina. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . ..", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....

This procedure also works in Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and some parts of Texas.

Submitted by: OLY

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
21. At some point in your life you've been too drunk to fish.

Submitted by: Jester Jean

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Submitted by: OLY

Did you hear about the South Carolina man who passed away and left entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that he would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

How many rednecks does it take eat a possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God create armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have "possum on the halfshell."

Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi! If is was invented anywhere else it would have been called a "teethbrush!"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep...purty near took out the whole trailer park!

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Submitted by: RLH

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